Unwelcome Fears

I don't remember ever being so afraid of school.

This is disgusting. What menial being I am. What coward resides within me? Where is it? Hidden behind the pupils? I wish I could expel it.

Is being alone so terrible?

Oh, but it is not just alone, you disgusting conscience. Can you not see?

You wanted these classes, did you not? You had hoped to fill your days with English upon English.

I did, I did. And I am glad of it. But some things are simply too much.

Like what. Lunch? Is that what this is about? You can't tough out a little separation.

Noise. Everywhere. Alone? Or abandoned, internally. No, I can't. I can't.



This is my internal monologue. Or at least a part of it. Before I begin losing a part of myself.

I've never liked to admit the power emotions have on me. But in truth I am terrified of so much that I am easily overcome. I have to work so hard to keep myself together, because, in truth, I'm a little scared of myself.

Over the years I've taken for granted that I've never truly been alone in my classes. I may not always have had a true friend, as I consider so few people that close, but I have at least had acquaintances. And lunch, though far from a cliche of great happiness due to my migraines and abrasion to noise, has always had a fair few friends.

I suppose today was a rude awakening, to find so many classes truly solitary and to know that I would only have one person to be with in lunch. Unfortunately, I could not find her in time and her table was full in that period. She would not go with me. I suppose it was foolish to expect someone to abandon a table of her friends. And so lunch was spent friendless, terrified, and futilely attempting to block out noises.

I guess I have much to overcome.